I’m Cool In Spite of the Longest Notes I’ve Ever Written in My Almost 20-Month-Long Call Center Life

 I have a feeling all the Twilight cosmic powers out there connived to make my life miserable today. Or at least, tried to make my life miserable today. I am assuming this is the karmic force that they’re trying to shove up my ass for lambasting their sissy story up there in the deity status yesterday.

But no, I will not say I have been grievously affected, or at the very least, that my pessimistic spirit has been dampened by the unfortunate event that transpired today. And yes, I stand by my verdict that this much-ado-about-nothing American novel is still overrated.

While I type this, my eyes are stinging from protestations of only getting four hours doze that would mean inevitably hoarding the call center vendo with cups upon cups of Nescafe black coffee without sugar to combat the drowsiness later. While I shudder at the thought of having to sleep through a call later and mumble about troubleshooting steps incomprehensible, the crow’s feet lining around my eyes and the accompanying hollow spots below these two windows to my soul seem to remind me that I’m going to have one tough night this Saturday shift.

Allow me to relay what happened.

As you could very well remember, this morning was supposed to be our schedule for the screening of the cinematic adaptation of the wretched novel in Greenbelt. The plan was to while away the two hour grace period (we log out at 6AM; the movie starts at 8AM) by polluting the Makati air with videoke shrieks of redundant OPM covers and cheap Western pop shindigs. I didn’t know if that plan pushed through for while my teammates may have already robbed the ATM boxes of its oodles (a hefty sum withdrawn per transaction; it is our pay day and 13th month at the same time), I was being crucified inside the gawddamn call center building trying to extend my patience to the nth degree for some SOB who, in spite of the obvious Thanksgiving flair filling the air, still managed to tinker on his computer when everyone else was busy preparing to cook the friggin’ motherfuckin’ turkey.

In the tradition of Vantage Point montage, let us return a few minutes before my prolonged incarceration in the freakin’ 4th floor computer station:

I have always trained my reflex to press the logout button as quick as possible when the shift is at its dying minutes because I don’t want any long calls extending my shift for that day and yes, Virginia, because I am avoiding the ominous heavy traffic when the clock strikes seven. Imagine my horrors then when two minutes before officially logging out of the phones, my AVAYA phone beeped and registered a motherfuckin’ clusterfuck call from some cursed, gawddamn Occidental state.

At first, I kept my cool and answered the call without any hesitation because it was holiday in the US and the queue was kept to its lowest; I only had three calls so far averaging around 15-17 minutes and I needed another call to at least lower down my Average Handling Time (I know, this already sounds like a call center gibberish but let me explain: Every call center agent has some metrics to meet to determine how well he is performing. AHT is one of them; you take calls in the quickest time possible, you get an A for the AHT metric. In lay man’s term, AHT is one of the subjects that you need to pass and the metric would be your class card.) .

What I assumed as a simple connectivity issue for the customer became a complicated, multi-layered issue that opened the Pandora’s box and all its evil entrails. Lo and behold, my 13 minute AHT target had gone down the drain and I found myself beating my personal best for the longest notes that I’ve ever written in my almost 20-month call center life:

►as per repeat contact rule, did not capture email address
►found the following notes from the last agent:

cant connect
661XXXXXX
Jerry Ng
ngsonthehood@XXXX.com
error in UDI
cx has RCA DCM425
powercycle
internet cable link - green
cx was trying to update
antivirus - CA
ipconfig
192.168.1.100
cx is connecting a nonXXX
linksys router
bypass router
76.87.169.132 - valid ip
ping rr ip - transferred
error code 65
sent 4, received 0 100%loss
checked CA - warning update
failed
ping www.XX.com - 100%loss
ping IP - 100%loss
ping default 76.87.160.1
gateway - 100%loss

LA North TRB397250 OUTAGE
advised cx to check internet after 2 hours
gave ticket #

►spoke with Jerry, husband of account holder
►checked udi, modem is now online
►cus is using a Linksys router not provided by ISP
►asked cus to bypass the router
►asked cus to powercycle modem
►checked physical connections, ok
►tried to access other sites, no go
►ipconfig, 192.168.100.1
►arp -a, ok
►checked physical connections, ok
►no router connected
►checked lan, ok
►both ip address, dns server address obtained automatically
►checked nic, ok
►ipconfig, 76.87.169.132
►ping yahoo.com, connection failed: error code 65
►checked firewall
►cus has ETrust Armor anti virus
►but getting warning: update failed
►asked cus to open it, no go
►same error message
►cus tried to update ETrust anti virus at the help.XX.com website, afterwhich the problem started
►will uninstall ETrust via add/remove programs
►restarted the pc
►opened ie, cus got website
►directed cus to twcurl.com to download security software
►cus not yet registered to the new security software
►authenticated mac id
►reset master email password
►registered cus for the new security software
►gave the new license key
►walked cus thru the steps of downloading and running the installer
►restarted pc
►opened ie, opening too sloooooooooooooooow
►ping yahoo.com, 68.180.206.184
►opened ie, browser still opening really slow
►asked cus if he experienced a lot of pop ups opening lately, cus said none
►checked security software, attention needed for anti-virus, anti-spyware and firewall
►asked cus to hit on secure now for the three components
►firewall secured, but anti-virus and anti-spyware still needs attention
►asked cus to open advanced settings of anti-virus
►enabled real-time protection, ok
►did the same thing with anti-spyware, no go
►anti-spyware still getting attention needed
►asked cus to hit on secure now for the anti-spyware, ok
►was able to secure all of the components
►scanned the pc for spywares, found 104 spywares
►quarantined the spywares
►opened ie, cus got website but still pretty slow
►asked cus to check the speed
►download, 9834kbps; upload, no go
►working on it for too looooooooooong now
►used a different speed test site
►download, 9836kbps; 968kbps
►informed cus that speed is okay
►optimized browser, ie7, taking a looooooooooooong time to clear the cache and cookies
►restarted pc
►checked net connection, now much faster
►connected Linksys router back
►did sequential powercycling
►opened ie, pcbd
►ipconfig, 192.168.1.101
►ping yahoo.com, no go
►explained to cus that the problem would have to be with the router
►advised cus to contact Linksys router tech support
►gave the router oem number
►cus wants to connect back directly to the modem
►bypassed router and directly connected modem
►powercycled modem
►checked connection, ok
►tried other sites, ok
►referred to online help site
►educated cus about sequential powercycling and other tips on how to optimize the speed
►cus understood
►no further assistance

I finished the call about 15 minutes before eight o’clock. At that time, my exhaustion and my hunger for snooze have taken whatever curiosity I had left to check out the movie version of the The-Sissy-Novel-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. By that time as well, I’m pretty certain my teammates are already at the Greenbelt cinemas, already giddy and all, ready to be thrilled by the kilig moments of that forgettable B-list movie about a sissy fanged boy who cannot even bite the female protagonist’s neck (for crying out loud, he IS a vampire!) and a young beautiful bitch seemingly high on marijuana for salivating over the male lead.

So what’s the next best thing to do? Being the SSDDish that I am, I smiled at all the mishap that happened (that deviously mischievous smile that told you there’s something for the inning and you would die never knowing the evil secret behind the grin), deleted the unfortunate event in my system, bore the brunt and delighted my subconscious with a sumptuous Shrimp Surfer breakfast.

I’m cool and your Twilight karmic powers cannot unleash the freakin’ crabbiness lurking within me, much more make my life miserable, because I have my bloated ATM card to dispense and nothing can change the fact that your friggin’ motherfuckin’ double douche bag recycled sissy story still sucks!

Loser!